Stay Or Leave

It all began during last week’s travels. I went to Providence, then New York, and on the train ride home I could not stop myself from scribbling words of inspiration down on paper. “What are you doing?” My boss asked me. “Writing,” I replied. “My creativity is completely squashed back home.”

“So move to New York,” she said to me. “If I didn’t have children I would move.”

We began talking about other opportunities within the American Lung Association and my wheels began turning. I saw myself in another lifestyle. In another place and time.

I went home and after only one night of too-casual interaction- I broke up with my boyfriend. “I need more,” I told him, remembering the thrill of Time Square and the rush associated with walking down memory lane in Providence. “This place holds me back.”

I am now sitting inside Starbucks, staring at my blank computer screen- once again.

What have I done?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the true meaning of the word home. I, after all, don’t see Columbia, Connecticut as the land where my heart soars. It is a place where I grew up, a haven where my family resides. I feel happy when I am surrounded by the people I love, but I know that it is not enough. Since I’ve been single, I’ve spent maybe twenty hours in my room. (Hence the Starbucks visit.) I yearn for a place that has activity- that doesn’t lull me to sleep after the sun sets.

And that’s why I think that “home” resembles a feeling more than a destination. I could be “home” with a significant other, as long as I am filled to the brim with contentment. I could be home in a cozy coffee shop. I could be home enjoying a fabulous glass of wine with friends at a local bar. “Home” to me doesn’t necessarily mean a place on the map.

I’m searching for that special something, a feeling that will fulfill me wholeheartedly. Perhaps it is a multitude of sorts. Maybe it is not a move at all.

But my heart hurts and my mind is racing and I know for sure that this type of transition is not what I had in mind.

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~ by Britney Martin on January 11, 2012.