Doin Me, Disney

Studies indicate that young children can absorb knowledge at a faster rate than any other age. Their developing minds become engaged in new words and concepts until languages and processes are understood and executed with ease.

Mature mentalities can still achieve, however, with exposure to life’s limitless experiences. Children are confined to the boundaries and standards of living set by guardians and other authoritative figures. Historic events are discovered in textbooks. Relationship principles are compiled from watching mom and dad interact.

Children cannot fully step out of the environment painted around their tiny frames until they have engaged all five senses in personal experiences. Until then, they learn their parent’s religions and moral guidelines. They learn to make friends and share and use manners under supervision. They learn that love is the sole reason for existence through Disney tutorials.  

Girl desires true love.

Boy fulfills the dreams and wishes of Girl.

Girl shows appreciation and admiration for Boy.

Reciprocal kind gestures lead to Happy Endings.

I will admit that I watched too many Disney movies growing up. By fourteen I thought that I had learned enough and that I was ready to be elated for the rest of eternity; I yearned to settle down with my Knight and Shining Armor in a house complete with an ocean view and white picket fence. Yes, we actually designed blueprints together, and it was innocent and special at the time, I will not lie. But then the word “forever” vanished off of notebook scribbles. And I had to find a new Prince Charming.

Twenty-two and still single, I have stumbled upon new insight while searching for my soul mate. I’ve captured the hearts of surfers, intellectuals, bad- boys, and Peter Pans by putting my best foot forward. Sometimes my feet would be bare and my hair would be tousled from the beach, other times my nails would be pink and my shoulders would be exposed for a sexy night on the town. I catered to the desires of the men I craved because I wanted the “fairy tale” idea so badly- I played into their lifestyles. Honestly, however, I never thought about my own needs. I never contemplated what made me happy. I had only experienced their environments. Then, after the relationships went sour, I’d write in my notebook:

Ideal:

Phone Calls At The End Of The Day

Creative, Spontaneous Gestures

Tattoos Are A Weakness** Not Necessary Though

Unacceptable:
Unfaithfulness

Bad Body Odor** I Know. It Happens.

I Can’t Surf. Let’s Face It. I Went Once. And Snowboarding?

I’d assess the relationships and learn about what was important to me and what wasn’t. It didn’t occur to me though, that after a notebook of standards and guilty pleasures, I still hadn’t uncovered things I did to make me… me. I was still focusing on the male aspect of the equation. I wasn’t mature at all, I still didn’t know myself.

I needed to experience life on my own. Even though children grasp concrete visual and mental puzzles easily, young adulthood is the perfect time to break out of those painted walls of culture and expectations and social boundaries set by others. I realized that by settling down now I might be missing out on the chance to broaden my horizons, like travel to Greece or give a young boy money in Haiti or fall in love for a weekend in Paris. Exposure to such instances do not swirl around open doorways forever; I must ride those winds while the opportunity exists.  When I meet a man in the future I will be able to tell him that I snowboard, and I do it as a hobby and not as an excuse to get to know suitors. I will be able to tell him that I have a degree and that I work in a successful company, rose to the top all by myself with my intellect and creative drive. I will be able to tell stories of my younger years as memories of sheer freedom and not as snippets of past relationships.

I feel like I am getting there… I am painting canvases in front of me of charming people and exotic places, rather than hammering in picket fences or putting up new sheetrock. I am living life to the fullest at my own pace, and when I am done with my journey I am confident I will make someone happy with my own gifts. My paintings will be valued by someone else who has artwork to share as well.

For now…

… I’m doing me, Disney.

The Reason

Figures. As soon as I accept my mundanely stressful life I get hit with a “spicy” new element: No car.

My poor Buick Regal died the other day on the side of route six, while I was en route to job number two. I know why it happened, and I do not care if you think I am crazy. It all started in the afternoon of December 11, after I had completed my morning at the American Lung Association in Providence, Rhode Island. The week was over and I had to venture home to work at my beloved Italian restaurant. But I was late, and I still had to stop and get gas. Now I am very superstitious about my gas numbers: When I use the pump I always make sure my dollar amounts reach “clean” numbers: 11.99, 15.00, 16.50. If the pump doesn’t stop at an adequate amount I keep pumping until I get my desired rates. I have been doing this for so long that I actually believed that 17.67 would make me have a heart attack on the road. Simple numbers were keeping me safe. Sure enough, I was running late Friday and stopped my pump at 12.38 and thought to myself, “Today is the day I get into a car crash.” Thirty miles later… I was pulled over on the side of the road. My motor blew.

They say everything happens for a reason, so I am just rolling with the punches right now. I have one more week of school, then Christmas break where I will be able to go home and re-evaluate my car status. Any suggestions?

Short But Sweet

I sometimes forget about this journal. My daily agenda has taken top priority since so much has been going on lately, and I am struggling to keep myself organized. I have started classes once again at Johnson & Wales and although I am only in week two I feel that my diploma is within reach now. In just two short months my college career will be over forever. I cannot wait.

I have also accepted a job at the American Lung Association and have picked up shifts for the holidays at Gold’s Gym. On top of those two jobs, I am still travelling home to waitress at Angellinos on the weekends. I am aiming to work hard now and play later, pay off my credit card, save up for a car, and complete my degree. All year I have been in a rush to get things done, and I have acquired a pretty extensive “goals completed” list, but before I continue I must refill my pockets and reevaluate my future plans.

As for my other daily rituals, I am not dating but going on dates,  not completing novels but am on my way to the library, and I wrote today!  Hopefully my friend John and I will keep up our exercises so that I can be more consistent… I feel myself getting rusty while slacking lately.

Just coasting along, as usual…

The Seesaw Metaphor

 

“Life is like mounting a seesaw. There are very few people that can touch the sky without the help of others. The ride is best experienced when a trusted companion is on the other end, to watch you soar without envy, to aid in smooth transitions, and to laugh with you when you hit the ground.”

It is always nice to know that I have a friend to listen when I need it. I have been so busy; This journal has acquired some dust over the last few weeks. But it is truly the perfect outlet when the clock reads past 11, and I remain unsettled. I do not need to wake anyone up; I don’t need to disturb the night owl.

I have been coasting lately, like I have stated before. I work until five, then come home and spend time with my sister, have dinner with my uncle, or work at Angellinos until all I can do is pass out. It has been working for me, for the most part- on weekends I see my friends by either going up to Providence or taking day trips throughout Connecticut.  I have a routine of de-stressing by going to visit the puppies at the local pet store and then walking the 4 mile Mansfield Hollow Dam. Sometimes there are men in my life, but most of the time I spend the night alone reading my newest Nicholas Sparks book before bed.

This past weekend I got a call from someone very close to me, someone I haven’t seen in months. I tried closing the door to our relationship after I left Providence in effort to make things easier, to snap into the reality that I was in fact moving home. After an intense rollercoaster whirlwind with speed bumps that promised future regrets on my part, we reached contentment by the end of the summer and kind of said goodbye for the time being. He was in Glastonbury last weekend though, and asked me out to dinner. Chemistry bounced off walls as we sipped wine and joked about same side sitters… time seemed to roll backwards while we caught up. When the subject of relationships surfaced though, I told him about my new philosophy. I was working on doing me. I was a little less “fairytale” about the idea of love and “all that stuff.” My life experiences to date have forced me to become a lot more cautious about who to give my heart to.

I drove home that night thinking to myself, “when did I get so pessimistic?”

Last night I tossed and turned, tortured by it all. It is not that I want a serious relationship, but I AM a relationship girl. I like having a one- on- one companionship, no matter how much I try to play the lone-warrior role. I know that my independence has reached new levels, I have now realized the importance of solitude, self fulfillment, and friendship. But my callused attitude lately has overshadowed the fact that down deeper, there is something missing. I am out of my element.

I looked out my window and immediately, a shooting star soared across the sky. It was the brightest one I had ever seen, and my mind went back to the days when me and my high school boyfriend used to sleep out on my deck and watch them above us. I used to wish on every one, cliché as it was. I believed, once upon a time, that the wishes would come true.

And that is what used to set me apart from the rest of the crowd. I believed in all of that stuff. The glass was always half full in my mind, and even though I recognize the naivety now, I miss the innocence. I miss the part of me that believed that everything had some good in it, that every place was new and exciting, that everyone had something inside them that was impossible not to love.

Throughout the last couple of years I have been told that the world is not a fairy tale, that I shouldn’t take pictures but instead enjoy the view (of what I was trying to capture in effort to preserve the memory), that my writing is different than what really is, that love isn’t all its cracked up to be. I have been broken down by relationships and have been told that no one can make you happy but yourself. So I have evolved.

But there is still a part of me that wants to believe in something.

Happy Birthday

I could not have asked for a better birthday weekend. The smile simply cannot be erased.

Thursday after work  I did dinner with my family, and then drove up to Providence for a night of fun at one of the local bars. Last year, I rented out a dance club and sported the sexiest dress I could find in effort to provoke my ex boyfriend. He specifically asked me never to buy it when I tried the garment on months before, and I purchased it for my 21st, along with zebra heels and earrings. This year, I wore jeans, a sweater, and heels. This year, I felt comfortable in my own skin. I was me again.

My best friends joined me that night, my true, all-weather, perfect soul mates: Caitlin, Eddie, Merissa, and Cindy. We drank, laughed, and danced with a crowd that did not make me feel inferior or dissatisfied. I fell asleep by Caitlin’s side at the end of the evening. And I was completely content. Last year, I made it to another bed.

I went to Boston this weekend, saw my relatives, and then took a day trip to Salem, Massachusetts yesterday. For under $100, me and my friends took a boat ride through Salem harbor, witnessed the witch trials in the Salem Witch Museum, scoped out cemeteries and… I even bought myself a charm. We ate amazing food that evening at The Tavern and laughed like we were children again.

I have no current complaints. I am doing exactly what I want to do, finding out that the best thing in life aren’t things. I am traveling with friends and loved ones and making memories that I know I will never forget. I am settling into the woman I want to be, shying away from the insecure, slightly pretentious, immature girl that I was before. I was not ready to date anyone three months ago, I realize now. I wasn’t even comfortable with the person I was. I know that I am not perfect yet, there are still things that I need to figure out, do for me… but I can at least appreciate love’s smaller instances, the importance of friends and independence, and most importantly…

I can feel some of my walls breaking down.

Rainy Day Reflection

9-27-09

Well, it seems as though the year is going by faster than I can document it: Each day flies off my calendar as I struggle to grasp the discarded remains. Some days are more significant than others, with most hours submitting to a routine schedule. My two jobs have kept me busy, to say the least, but now I am stopping to reflect.

Summer is officially over, and as I sat down on Caitlin’s couch today to ponder my end of year goals, it occurred to me that I have gotten a lot done lately. It is incredible to think that in nine months I have changed so dramatically. I used to write down goals in hope that one day a man would see my ambitions and want to join me. I waited and waited… for someone to hold my hand as I got my tattoo. For someone to travel the world with me. In truth though, nothing ever got done and I wasted so much time daydreaming. This year however, I started making things happen for myself, and as I went to transfer old ideas onto a new season’s goal list, I realized that many old milestones have already been completed.

I am ecstatic. My memories of my tattoo are with my sister and best friend. I booked a trip by myself to visit the Midwest. I went to Vegas with my fun, flirty single companions. I went to New York and experienced the best night of my life with the people that matter most- the friends that will never leave my side. I made career choices on my own and drove to my own destinations and enjoyed life by my standards, and although I did have a few slip-ups, I stayed true to my new self all year long.

This past weekend I went up to Rhode Island to celebrate my birthday with a selective guest list. My ex boyfriend received an invitation- we have been friendly lately in the name of good company and comfort. When I mentioned to him that I was on a low budget and wanted to keep the night fairly simple, he offered to just have everyone at his house. The gesture was sincere and I appreciated his hospitality, but as the night unfolded and the college atmosphere kept knocking at the door, I came to my senses. Memories of tainted moments filled the air while old faces crowded the room with bottles and six packs, and it just didn’t appeal to me. I was actually repulsed at my old lifestyle. Realizing that I just couldn’t bear to stay the night, I called up my girlfriends and waved goodbye.

Last night I drove around with Merissa, Cindy, and Matt, using my last ten dollars to get into a mediocre dance club. We later stuffed our faces with leftover pizza. This morning, I drove to Caitlin’s and watched movies all day.

And I am happy.

Learning my lesson from last night, that I want to persevere without falling into the false-fairytale deathtrap, I thought of a few new quotes on my ride home tonight.

“If the dog doesn’t want to play fetch, don’t throw the bone.
Pitching your heart toward a distracted suitor will do no good; you will be the one running into the outfield to retrieve it. Instead, wait for a man that will pay attention to your prize. Wait for a man that will be eager, able to run the distance.”

“I used to walk the shore by moonlight, his shadow beside mine. Morning would come and he would fade into the sand, my perfect vision crumbling into the earth’s rough terrain. And I would grip the remains with great strength in effort to preserve the memory, resist loneliness. Each time, however, the particles would slip through my fingers and I would be left to walk in solitude.
I now graze the shore each morning, barefoot with a sifter in hand. I stroll in silence, eyes shifting from the sunrise to the sand. I enjoy the view ahead of me while I keep watch for the ocean’s rare but beautiful treasures…
Shadows in the sand do not compare to the discovery of timeless seashells.”

Without further contemplation, my end of year goals:

Go to a winery.
Climb Mount Washington.
Put $600 in my savings account.
Decrease my credit card balance to $3,000.
Pick pumpkins.
Receive an A on my internship paper, boosting my overall GPA.
Leave my mark at the American Lung Association.
See my family members at least once per month.
Get my passport.
Go to New York City to club hop, shop, and visit the sights. (Finally travel inside the Empire State Building.)
Go to Boston for a night on the town.
Raise $100 for the Tackle Trump Parc Stair Climb on November 7, 2009.
Buy a computer.
Boost the frequency of blog writing to three times per week.
Complete a minimum of 20 pages to my book.
Go camping.
Lose 10 pounds.
Learn to moonwalk.
Buy a bartending book.
Celebrate my birthday weekend in Salem MA with the girls.
Get a psychic reading.
Go snowboarding in the Berkshires with Caitlin.
Purchase my Austin, TX charm.
Book a trip to… somewhere… anywhere.
Maintain the fearless factor. Continue to balance the backbone and wishbone. Persevere.

From The Office Desk

I realize that I have not written but I can assure you that big changes are taking place. I finally am in one place, no longer living out of my trunk-although it still looks like it- and my parents are content with me living at home rent-free. It is a blessing in disguise, and even though I have done a lot of complaining lately, I am grateful. I am allowed to save my money to achieve my goals.

Yes, I have a new set of them.

I have decided to disregard my love life for now. It is simply not worth the added stress. I feel like if a fling comes along, I will move with it temporarily. But I am not going to back down from my current schedule.

Why, you ask? I have come to the realization that I do know the type of suitor I desire, I know what kind of relationship I want to be in. I have been in enough to pull my favorite qualities together, and I am confident that there is someone out there that wants the same type of commitment. I am naïve at moments and cave to the men that give me attention, I tell myself that I can make things work, but deep down I know that I will not be completely happy if I am settling. I want a guy that I am physically attracted to and who is open to expressing his returned attraction. I want a guy that is not afraid to jump into a relationship head first with optimistic intentions, but I admit that I despise pushovers. I do not like a guy that agrees with me all of the time, wants to do everything that I want to do… I like to fight for dominance and learn new things. I want a guy that can compromise- a guy that will appreciate the space I give him and will want to make up for lost time with days and nights together.

Essentially, I want an old soul- a man that comes home from work and wants to relax, cook dinner with me, watch TV while I write. I want to be in sweats. I want to be petting our dog. I am a low maintenance girl at heart; I would rather be in good company at home than out spending money on expensive dinners and outstanding bar tabs. (That’s what cheap wine is for.)

And although I like the laid back lifestyle, I still want to live adventurously. I love life and want to see everything, do everything, take pictures and meet incredible people. Even if I have to plan every event, trip, or date night, I want to spend weekends traveling together, exploring new places… enjoying each other’s company outside the home. I know trips are expensive but I don’t even care if we take the dog out to the park for the afternoon, or if we just take a drive to the beach. I am a firm believer that spontaneity with a dose of prepared effort can really strengthen a bond between two people. It is after all, the memories that get people from one stepping stone to the next. If the motions are mapped out and executed, the laughs, conversations, and good times should follow.

I have realized however, that a life is not complete without time for the self. I do not want to sound like I am going to suck the independence right out of my suitor. I want nights to go out with my girlfriends, dance, kick back with some innocent fun on my own, and I want a guy that has a separate life as well. It is critical, I feel.

So that is it: What I am aiming for. Combine those qualities with high doses of honesty, loyalty, and trust… I’ve got myself a winner.

But until then…

For the next couple of weeks, my internship and my serving job at Angellino’s will take first priority. I need to pay off my credit card bill so I have the extra cash to finance a car instead of paying for two big items each month. My internship is unpaid so I am so excited that my old restaurant gave me shifts. I really need the cash. I am also saving up for my big move, which is another reason I am putting my dating life on hold. I am required to complete one more trimester of classes at Johnson & Wales University, and I truly do not want to commute back and forth in the winter for three classes. JWU does have three other campuses, however, and I think that it would be neat to venture out for a while. I want to be in a warmer place without heating bills and parkas, I want to be in a city by the coast, I want a new array of people to hang out with… Charlotte North Carolina seemed like the perfect answer. My last couple of classes are basic and the obligation would make my trip purposeful. Rent is so cheap down there, and I could waitress to ensure that money is at least flowing. I’d sign a temporary lease so if I don’t like the place I wouldn’t be stuck; in six months I could venture back to summer in CT before I have to start paying back my student loans. My friend Lauren lives down there as well for law school- we’d have an amazing time together, I’m sure.

And the best part is that I will be doing it by myself- If I do settle down in the future at least I will be able to say that I did live on my own for a while, did do something for me. I moved to Providence and outgrew it, in truth… I would like to explore a little more. And I think in my heart of hearts that this is my ticket.

So that is where I currently stand. I am at home, promoting my internship events, reconnecting with the Angellinos crew, keeping my phone and all distractions at arms length. I still miss Providence, I went up this weekend to do a girl trip to Newport with Caitlin, Cindy, Merissa, and Sarah… and it truly was amazing.

I’m just coasting… The road is open so I don’t see why that is so bad…

 

Right?

Uneasy

It is Monday afternoon, and I am still in Providence.

I cannot bring myself to drive home.

The library is my escape at the moment- I gave my key back to Caitlin and I admit, I needed to write. If this sanctuary wasn’t here, I would probably have already had a panic attack. But now, I feel safe. I feel happy. I am content waiting for my phone to ring, for another friend to call and ask me to join them for a walk, food… any excuse for me to stay just a few hours longer.

I don’t know what has gotten into me… I have never been one to resist change. My internship is starting tomorrow and I am extremely excited. But right now I feel like I am leaving so much behind, so many connections I feel are going to diminish…

I don’t want to forget… or even worse… be forgotten right now. I am at a point in my life where my friends and loved ones mean everything to me, they get me through all of my transitions… and I am leaving that security. I am truly freaking out.

Goodbye Providence

Today is my last official work day in Providence. After midnight, I will no longer be a resident, but a visitor to the Ocean State. And that breaks my heart.

In truth, my life didn’t unfold until I came here. At first, at Roger Williams University, I was able to unleash myself as an individual and push my limits until boundaries were set for myself. I learned the art of self expression, then learned the importance of self control. Upon resubmission after a year long hiatus, I attended Johnson & Wales University in Providence. I reestablished and intensified the friendship between myself and Caitlin- We struck the city by storm together, learning how to live on our own, love and let go, succeed and proceed outward into the world. I truly do not know what I am going to do without her…she is the sun to me in my everyday life. Everything is going to be thrown off now, simply not right.

I also found the people that will be with me at my wedding. Merissa, Cindy, Ashley, Meagan… I never had girlfriends until I arrived in Rhode Island. I know that I will be able to call these girls at all hours of the night… and they will be there for me. Matt, Eddie, Brothers… they are the people that call me out on my shit but love me just the same. I cannot believe that I will not be able to stop by in ten minutes to shoot the shit anymore.

I learned about love… true love, in my time here. There are so many ghosts that haunt me in this place now, at first I was happy to leave. But now, after learning clichés like “some things are never over” and “sometimes love just isn’t enough,” I am able to maturely separate the good times from the bad and remain at peace with all outcomes. I know that I am blessed to have had the experience and although times were rocky, I will nevertheless hold the memories close.

I also learned that all romantic encounters do not have to spell out “the one.” Some relationships can most certainly just be… a stepping stone. The suitors are in a way sent to you to help, guide, understand you and inspire you to be a greater version of yourself.

And I have been inspired, infused with confidence and more self aware thanks to this one special man. Although it is my fault our time together was not extended, I truly hold dear my love for him, my passion for such an intense encounter… and he will forever be my friend.

It sucks… for lack of a better word: Bonds are created… to be broken as life changes? I can feel the shift of the floor beneath me: I am watching my scenery change. Yet I am still clinging on to hope that the people I met here will get me through the transition, and will be with me on the other side.

 

I love you all.

Dear John Letter

Another vacation has come and gone: My trip to Austin, Texas is a mere memory, for I now am forced to face the routine of daily life back home. Twenty-four hours later though, I am still on cloud nine from the blissful journey.  I truly miss the place where I can hop on a scooter and become intoxicated from the smells of BBQ venues and open restaurant terrace doors while riding by. I can still envision the sunsets over the horizontal columns connecting the impeccable city to lush open-air greenery. I miss the livelihood of the people- singers, swingers, dog lovers and friendly passerbys. Like Charleston, the place made me feel so alive. There are some places in this world, like New York City, that make me feel like a grown up. You must act a certain way: Sit with perfect posture in Radio City Music Hall to watch the Christmas show. Walk with your eyes straight ahead en route toward the subway. In Austin, I was allowed to be a kid- sprint across a busy street, arms flailing, in effort to capture a fleeting image on camera. Do handstands on campus property. I love when I get to become animated.

 

The thing I miss the most about Austin, though, is the extraordinary time spent with my tour guide and longtime friend, John. After two years of nothing but sporadic calls and texts on holidays, we were able to make a trip possible- a reunion with no expectations but high hopes for a good time. And I am pleased to admit that I got so much more out of our encounter.

 

I met John three years ago while working at a restaurant close to my hometown. We formed a quick friendship since we both had the “childlike charm” in common. Our imaginations clicked before we did, I think. We would do side work together and then discuss movies we’d produce, books we’d write, and goals we’d achieve over calamari and fried raviolis: Later we’d test our guts and spontaneity by visiting culturally diverse restaurants and places of interest. We had a good time together, that was for sure. But after I moved to Providence and him, to Austin, our long conversations and field trips dwindled a bit. We kept track of each other’s lives on Facebook and blog sites, but it wasn’t until a few months ago that I decided to make a “spontaneous” move and check out his city.

 

What I got was a whole lot more.

 

I left for Austin with an annoyed taste in my mouth for life back home, as you have seen via previous entries. Transitions were outstandingly stressful and my love life was leaving me in the dumps. I had many suitors that were throwing me ropes from all directions, and when I pulled, the lack of resistance left me flailing through the air. I was sick of the redundancy of old names showing up on my phone, yet showing little invitation. I was ready to clear my head.

                                                                                                           

And John helped me achieve that in the most respectful and enthusiastic of ways. Not once in my vacation did he blur the lines between friendship and more, but we still felt like two soulmates just carrying out our daily lives. We’d get up and ride around the city, hike until our feet hurt, laugh until our stomachs shook. We talked about our lives like we had seen each other two weeks before, which I find so important in any sort of companionship these days. John offered advice for all of my misguidances, and when the air got too gloomy, he’d cheer me up by introducing to me another idea of something to do. It was honestly just what I needed.

 

Aside from my favorite gay male friends, I don’t have very many guys in my life that would’ve treated me exactly like John had. He’s funny, sweet, very strange at times but intriguing. Intellectual conversations never stopped the entire time I was in Austin. It was perfect. I flew home yesterday and couldn’t help but think… you look at some people and they LOOK like they should have everything in life. They are attractive. They are great athletes. They SHOULD therefore get the big house with the white picket fence and the beautiful spouse and well behaved children. There are also people in this world though, that become that way in your eyes by interacting with them. They portray themselves as down to earth yet wise, spirited souls. And John is one of those people. I realized this weekend, that he is a great friend of mine that truly has a lot to offer someone, and I hope he doesn’t settle.

 

After this weekend, I realized that I shouldn’t settle either.